Hey, its Will again. It has been literally ages since I wrote my first post for this blog, and literally the entire world has changed, and when justgngr told me I had an old unpublished post in here, I was kinda scared of what I didn’t remember writing… but here it is. Lightly edited and an actual lending added, hope you enjoy:
I have an inkling that the main reason I was asked to contribute to this blog is that I have a perspective that its founder doesn’t – I am an ugly gay person. Now, obviously, justgngr is gay… but he’s also very good looking. The world runs differently when you’re good looking – that applies to all people, regardless of sexuality – but it is amplified in the gay community.
I’ve been fat my entire life. The shopping trips I recall as a little kid were always in the “husky” section. A bookish, mildly-effeminate chubby kid, I was naturally a target for ridicule and derision in school from my peers. Truthfully, I didn’t really have any actual friends until college, so I may have missed some of the usual socialization milestones. I could carry on a grownup conversation, but didn’t know anything about how to be a kid – my non-classroom times were spent eating my PB&J in the bathroom or an empty classroom.
Some time in high school, puberty hit. Along with the realization that I was gay came the realization that everyone disliked me because I was ugly AND gay, not just ugly… but in addition, puberty has an evil way of magnifying one’s insecurities. I started growing hair in all the usual puberty places, but also on my shoulders and back, while at the same time started losing the hair on my head. Balding at 17 is not a good look, I promise you, but for the chubby gay 17-year-old with patches of hair on his jawline trying to fuse with the patches of hair on his shoulders, it just makes you look like you’ve decided to give up on any chance you ever had of getting laid.
Which is a bit odd because I lost my virginity right around that time. To a guy. From the internet. I had a great time – someone actually wanted me! To be quite honest, that’s all that sex has been for me since – knowing that for those 10-20 minutes, someone actually wants to be around you, even if it is just to get their dick sucked.
But hey, at least, for those few minutes, I get to feel sexy…
I’ll be exploring this topic much more moving forward, so lets just call this Chapter One.